317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it’s on December 25th.

I don’t know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I’ll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

I love England. In fact, they’re getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.