317 Quotes by Emo Philips

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn’t have his hands tied to his ankles?

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’

Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there’s nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

I’m from Downer’s Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted “should I yay him or nay him?” pantywaist ever again.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?