317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.

One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution – ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it’s stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Ambiguity – the Devil’s volleyball.

Anger punishes the bearer’s heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children – that’s life’s greatest consolation prize.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother’s passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he’s learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

I’ve always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.