317 Quotes by Emo Philips

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

I don’t have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that’ll save some time.

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist’s instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he’s the one between tunes that makes announcements.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.

Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn’t mind, but it tickles so much!