317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I’m not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

If you’re worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn’t get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.

People come up to me and say, ‘Emo, do people really come up to you?’

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, ‘I’m going to mop the floor with your face.’ I said, ‘You’ll be sorry.’ He said, ‘Oh, yeah? Why?’ I said, ‘Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.’

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I’ve got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 – three times more people came to see where it used to be.

I’ve been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It’s an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

People always ask me, ‘Where were you when Kennedy was shot?’ Well, I don’t have an alibi.