317 Quotes by Emo Philips

Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can’t help but rush your timing.

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can’t continue with the “urbane sophisticate” ’til the day I die.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I’ve always suffered from a complete inability to sense who’s important.