530 Quotes by Erma Bombeck

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.

Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.