93 Quotes by Frank Carson

What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

My wife went into the butchers and said: “You’ve a sheep’s head in your window.” The butcher said: “That’s a mirror.”

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. “Oh dear,” she says, “Not the breathalyser again.”

Most of my jokes are racist – usually about the Irish.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: “Have you a good memory for faces?” I asked why and she said: “Because there isn’t a mirror up there.”

Men only go for skinny women because they’re too weak to argue – and salads are cheap.

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn’t get burnt.

I’m staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets – took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: “It takes four hours.” I asked why and he said: “It keeps turning off the gas.”