144 Quotes by Fred Allen

If the grass is greener in the other fellow’s yard- let him worry about cutting it.

Hollywood is a great place if you’re an orange.

If I could get my membership fee back, I’d resign from the human race.

Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat’s navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent’s heart.

Condensed milk is wonderful. I don’t see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.

It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn’t have to face an issue.

I’d rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.

I’m going to Boston to see my doctor. He’s a very sick man.

I’m a little hoarse tonight. I’ve been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.