144 Quotes by Fred Allen

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you’ll end up in the police station.

There are two kinds of jokes – funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

Television is a device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.

All I know about humor is that I don’t know anything about it.

I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange.