144 Quotes by Fred Allen

A vice president in an advertising agency is a ""molehill man"" who has until 5 PM to make a molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.

Not every one of those lower-income taxpayers becomes a cost to a state-funded system.

I had to come out one more time to take a look. I had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time out here. Our kids grew up out here.

If you want to stop people from smoking, it takes a much larger tax increase.

In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.

Vaudeville could not vouch for the honesty, the integrity, or the mentality of the individuals who collectively made up the horde the medium embraced. All the human race demands of its members is that they be born. That is all vaudeville demanded. You just had to be born. You could be ignorant and be a star. You could be a moron and be wealthy. The elements that went to make up vaudeville were combed from the jungles, the four corners of the world, the intelligentsia and the subnormal.

Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.

A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.

I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.