124 Quotes by Garry Shandling

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner's lap. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part.

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like."

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?