255 Quotes by George Burns

I thought to myself, ‘why not write a bestseller?’ In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

It’s no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

People are always asking me how much I’m worth. Well, all I can say is, I’ve got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Everyday happiness means you can’t wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

Tennis is a young man’s game. Until you’re 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won’t tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court – just on my side of the net.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.

It’s one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you’ve been, there’s always a younger and sexier seal coming along.

When I wasn’t working, I put the blame directly where it belonged – I blamed my agent. When I didn’t have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.