255 Quotes by George Burns

I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish’s family.

If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.

If I get big laughs, I’m a comedian. If I get little laughs, I’m a humorist. If I get no laughs, I’m a singer.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity. I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old..

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman— or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

Don't stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.