1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much. We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

I recently heard the following sentence on CNN: 'Because of high winds, about two hundred and fifty thousand people in New England are without power.'And I thought 'gee, when you think about it, about two hundred and seventy five million people in the United States are without power. They just aren't aware of it.

But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.