1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Men do it, women do it; can't be all bad if everybody's doin' it. I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! That's my advice. I'm here to help.

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital M tattooed on each cheek of your ass in pink and brown ink. Then when you bend over, it says "Mom." Also, later on if you're havin' sex with your girlfriend, and her parents are in the next room, when you finish up you can just lie on your back, draw your legs up to your chest and silently say, 'Wow!

There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.Still, I love traveling down there, especially when I'm in the mood for a quick trip to the thirteenth century. I'm not someone who buys into all that 'New South' shit you hear; I judge a place by the number of lynchings they've had, overall.

I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.