1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.