1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.