1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?