1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.

They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

Does killing time damage eternity?

Everything beeps now.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.