1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.

I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.