1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

A pear is a failed apple.

An entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. An artist is on a journey: they don't know where they're going, what is going to happen, but they know they are not there yet, and there is some continuity and growth. I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

He is dead now, but he meant well.

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.