1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?