1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Life is a series of dogs.

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.