1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims; this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you're born on this world you're guilt, period, f*ck you, end of report, next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball

In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people