1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws (at most an occasional visit to the cemetery)

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.