66 Quotes by Greg Fitzsimmons

Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.