66 Quotes by Greg Fitzsimmons

Iowa’s the worst. Iowa’s just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It’s the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it’s nice to know my son’s going to grow up and have huge breasts but it’s not going to bother him that much.

My kids teased me at dinner that I’m not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn’t be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.

I’m kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I’m still maintaining my youthful acne.

If we don’t have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don’t want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

It’s an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It’s what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.

Lieutenant Governor Paterson – blind, black guy – gets sworn in. First thing he says is, ‘By the way, cheated on my wife. Let’s just get that out in the open right now.’ He didn’t need to admit that. He’s blind. Could have said it was an accident.

I never know what I’m going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don’t discover off stage about me.