565 Quotes by Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.