357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I’m offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

Are you Polish? Okay, I’ll talk slower.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. “How did you get the car in here?” “Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.”

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.

Don’t move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

A tough guy told me, “I’ll bet you $10 you’re dead.” I was afraid to bet him.

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Farrah’s dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.