357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn’t a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. “Since when do you wear pantyhose?” “Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!”

The Doctor says, “You’ll live to be 60!” “I AM 60!” “See, what did I tell you?”

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn’t for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I’d be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

I’m paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?