357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I’ll never forget my first words in the theatre. “Peanuts. Popcorn.”

The other day I broke 70. That’s a lot of clubs.

On dancing on pointe: Why don’t they just get taller girls?

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, “Why didn’t you walk down?” He said, “because I was going up!”

All my wife does is shop – once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale’s. I bring her mail there twice a week.

A guy says, I’m so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I’ll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You’re seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.