357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you’re it.

I was just in London – there is a 6 hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

I’ve kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, “Let’s get up here before we get killed!”

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, “Huh. I lost 100 pounds!”

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he’s never been, and the owner says “You mean third base?”

I’ve been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?