357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I said to my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ She said, ‘I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before.’ I said, ‘Try the kitchen.’

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

His motto is “Love Thy Neighbor”. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife’s bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, “Where are you going?” My wife said, “I must be late, everyone is all coming back!”

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.

I know a guy who had his doctor say, “Take some weight off, go to a health club.” The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.”

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but can she climb a tree.