357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

The hotel I’m in has a lovely closet. A nail.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, “Tut, Tut!”

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say...

A person asked me, How do you prepare for the stage? I told her, Well, it’s like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you’ve lost all your marbles...