357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? “It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!”

A man walks into a library and says, ‘I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.

My brother then opened a tall man’s shop in Tokyo.

Let’s get up here before we get killed!

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman – go see what they want!

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” “Okay, you’re ugly too!”

I’ve got two wonderful children – and two out of five isn’t too bad.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We can’t do that!” I told her, “You did it last week!”