357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There is water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It’s a little inconvenient, they’re in two separate buildings!

I don’t believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.

My son is 21. He’ll be 22 if I let him.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. “Here, King!”

My horse’s jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says “Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!”