357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.

I asked a Jewish man, “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said, “Yes”, and walked away.

I know what I’m giving up for Lent: my New Year’s resolutions.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

The usual way – a little wine, a little dinner...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” “No, jump in!”

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.