64 Quotes by Jack Benny

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.