181 Quotes by Jack Handy

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, ""You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group."" ""Yeah,"" I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

I hope if dogs take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.