181 Quotes by Jack Handy

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.