562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on my cape, and a long running start.

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.

Meatloaf is meatloaf is not a true statement. You can have gravy on top, ketchup on top, and don’t forget you can also have love on top – however, you must understand that I would do anything, but I won’t do that.

Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less – as if!

I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion.