562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

Love is the most pleasurable pain imaginable, and I have experienced more pain-pleasure than a German twin experiencing schadenfreude at the expense of his brother.

I type as fast as a ten-legged man who just had eight legs chopped off runs.

My heart is locked away in a cage surrounded by ribs. That’s to protect it, and to keep the world safe. It’s currently serving a life sentence.

We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.

I toss and turn so much in my sleep that the very act of sleeping must be exhausting for me. Sleeping makes me want to sleep even more.

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops.

Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die.

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m just a kitten.

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.