562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.

The easiest way to get from point A to point B is with a vehicle that runs on alphabet soup.

If girlfriends were knees, I’d love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it’d be easier to run around on them.

I define myself and grow as a person through emotional torment, so if you love me, you will inflict as much pain on me as you possibly can.

I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.

Give yourself a hug, and while you are embracing yourself, use that time to hold yourself together.

I have a “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup” dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.

The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it.

Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.