562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.

On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he said, “You were adopted, just like your father before you, and his father before him.” “So,” I said, “you were adopted?” “Of course not!” he replied. “Your father’s not my son, just like he’s not your father.” And to this day I am still confused. I have no idea why I can’t own a cat.

I’m not going to beg for my clone to get on his knees and grovel.

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I’m going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.

Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.

I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

I’m a bean counter. Oh, I’m not an accountant, but I did spill pinto beans on the counter.