562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.

I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.

I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow.

I will never buy a fish tank, because I don’t believe in supporting the funding of aquatic war machines.

I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.

I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.