562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.

I may be alive now, but in a series of moments I won’t be. And let it be said about me: He didn’t waste his time talking to conch shells, but he did listen to what they had to say about the ocean.

I’m a tiger made out of a paper towel, and I’m going to wipe you out.

The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol.

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday.

I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.

I once asked an old Japanese man why Japan decided to team up with Germany during WWII, and do you know what he told me? Well, you would if you speak Japanese, which I don’t.

Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.