562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

When I was a little boy, I used to work in a sweatshop. We made deodorant.

You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the last of your mac and cheese.

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

I want to be the first and second man to dance on the moon. No, I won’t moonwalk. But I will Cha Cha – with my clone.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

I spray-paint my underwear gold, because it makes me feel like a winner. When two people are in love, one is always in second place.