562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

Rain soup is best served cold, an upside-down umbrella makes a good bowl, and I wash dishes by hand – the same way I make love to myself.

There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny.

My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.

Too little light and man can’t see, just as too much light and man is blinded. Love is a light, and should be used to illuminate, not blitz one’s vision.

I once got attacked by a bearskin rug, two days before it was a rug.

I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

I am the now of the then. My body is the embodiment of all my ancestors who came before me. They live on in me.

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can’t get to them.