562 Quotes by Jarod Kintz

I promised her the world, but instead I bought her a globe.

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser – that’s why he’s number two.

I don’t like customer service, because I don’t believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that “new car smell” all the time.

Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses.

I want certain conversations to come equipped with antilock brakes, especially if I’m talking to a real airbag.

If a clock represented a pie chart, then I just ate a slice of apple pie so large it represents 33 minutes. That means I’m three minutes late for dinner!

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.